We are now entering the second month of the Coalition. The teething period is now over. It’s time to tackle some grown up issues that really matter. To start harnessing our awesomeness for the benefit of mankind.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the media and the news networks it’s that the world is a dangerous place full of bird flu, economic crisis, natural disasters, and depreciating moral values. Yes, to you your life may seem pretty much the same as it always does. But trust me – we are all going to die in poverty after a drug related drive by shooting during a earthquake caused by too many illegal immigrants swamping the country. And there is nothing you can do about it other than keep informed about the impending doom via the unbiased and in no way sensationalist 24 hour rolling news channels.
But there may be another way. There could still be hope. Because we at the Coalition of Awesomeness have come up with a plan. We will find someone to lead us out of the quagmire. We will search every hillside and every valley until we discover the person with the right qualities to become a beacon of hope in these dark times.
We’re going to find someone with whom to entrust the fate of the world.
Or at least I am. To be honest I suspect that the others aren’t really up to the task. They lack sufficient gravitas and maturity somehow. For example I’m pretty sure that Lee is going to pick the Stay Puft Mashmellow Man as his nomination. The idiot.
But this is a serious question that deserves to be taken seriously. It’s the fate of the world we’re talking about not some tinpot “Who’s better, Kirk or Picard” discussion. We need to give this our full consideration and make a rational and well reasoned choice. The future of the planet depends on it.
That’s why I’m choosing a man that I can put my faith in. A man I know is up to the job. A man to believe in:
Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years.
Because let’s face it, the savior of mankind doesn’t need muscles, he needs wisdom. And there is no other person on the planet that has amassed more wisdom than Kevin Arnold.
Every week for a period of five years Kevin had a brand new epiphany about life and how it should be lived. Every week! I’m bloody 34 and still don’t have a clue what’s going on, whereas he’d no doubt figured everything out by the time his voice broke. He must have been a mini walking Confucius by the age of 15 judging by the astounding rate he was discovering universal truths.
And The Wonder Years stopped when Kevin turned 18. Just think how how much further he must have developed in the meantime. Kevin was born in 1955, which means he’d now be 55. He’s had 37 years to amass life experience. At the rate of one epiphany a week I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s eventually reached the next level of human evolution. He’s probably walking around with a giant forehead with a glowing insignia on it moving stuff around with telekinesis.
So forget whatever rubbish the others are trying to spoon feed you. You don’t need muscles, testosterone, or the ability to look cool in a skintight suit to save the world. This isn’t some sci-fi film or comic book we’re talking about here – this is the real world. And real world problems require real wold solutions. Kevin Arnold, the man to lead us through the millennium.
I was skeptical until you got to the bit about the giant forehead and telekinesis. That’s air-tight logic, man. Sold.
I had a suspicion that would be the clincher.
I’ve discovered the source of our problems: Australia picked the wrong Kevin.
I think the entire world should hold votes of no confidence in their leaders and all elect Kevin Arnold simultaneously so he became leader of the earth.
It would solve all our problems in one swoop
Aaaaahhhh… great post! Kevin for ’11! Just had to hit youtube to get a blast of Wonder Years Nostalgia, and yes, I would certainly trust him with the fate of the world!
I got a real tinge of nostalgia writing this actually. And when I read up on the show on wikipeadia I even felt the beginnings of a tear in my eye as I read what happens in the show’s epilogue.
Man, I’m a wuss.
I absolutely love this article! You’ve taken the concept and completely run with it, you’ve introduced balanced, well thought out arguments mixed with a healthy dose of humour.
I hate you.
Bastard.
But thanks for the entertaining read!!!
As you should know by now Lee, I am more awesome than you in nearly every way.
There are some essential flaws in your arguments, but I will get back to you on that.
Kevin does seem like someone who could save the day though, although I don’t know what college did to his brains..what with the alcohol abuse and drug experimenting..there was a reason why they stopped at him turning 18
Flaws?
I think you’re English is letting you down a bit Arjan, I think what you meant to say was “A perfectly reasoned and accurate account”.
I should be charging you for these language lessons you know.
The irony in that post is too much for me.
Your English needs some polishing, sir. Even over here in America I think “you’re” still means “you are”.
As soon as I figure out these exchange rates, you’ll be getting my bill.
Bugger
PWNED