Coalition of Awesomeness

I am rubbish at computer games. I mean really really rubbish.

It doesn’t matter what the genre: sports, beat-em-up, first person shooter, sim, or real time strategy; I’m dreadful at them all. My unique combination of poor attention span, lack of tactical thinking, and complete absence of hand eye co-ordination mean that I am genetically tailored to die three minutes into the first level. On easy setting. In a game aimed at 5-8 year old girls.

Yes, it’s true. I can’t get past the the end of level stepmother on Disney Princesses and the Magical Unicorn (damn those poison apple bombs).

It’s not that I don’t want to be good at them. I do, almost desperately. I am a proud card carrying geek, and my lack of ability in computer games is a source of shame to me. I feel like a five year old who doesn’t like ice cream, or a Starfleet officer who is unable to portray smug self-satisfaction. In short, there is something missing.

However all’s not lost. There’s a small glimmer of hope that I cling to in my darkest hours.

I have completed Halo.

Sure it was on the easy setting. And sure I had to resort to the internet on a couple of occasions in order to guide me through particularly tricky bits (three hours solid of repeatedly banging into walls trying to find an exit has the tendency to make you redefine your moral code on cheating).

But I finished it. Hurrah!

And up until very recently it was the first and only game I’d ever completed. But then I went and bought myself a Xbox 360 and managed to finish Halo 3 as well. Double hurrah!

I’m not sure what it is about the Halo series that enabled me to finish them. I don’t think they are particularly easier than any of the other games I’ve played. I suspect it’s the fact that they have a relatively shallow learning curve combined with excellent gameplay and a engaging storyline that held my interest long enough for me to bludgeon my brain into developing some aptitude for it.

I even briefly considered trying a bit of Halo online multiplayer action. But I decided against it. The small sheds of self esteem I’ve managed to scrape together are too important to risk loosing to some eight year old in Ohio called l0RdKiCkBuTt.

Unfortunately my adventures on Halo are now over as my 360 is long gone now. I had three red rings of death in a row and so gave up on it (Never again Microsoft. Never again. You are dead to me). So I’ll never find out if I’d be able to complete the trinity and finish Halo 2 as well. But despite my frustrations with the console I’ll always be grateful to it for my brief moments of triumph.

About the Author

Dan Hughes Has Written 3 Articles For Us!

Part time stay-at-home dad and part time mental health nurse, Dan cut his pop culture teeth on Star Wars, DC Superheroes, and The Muppets and never saw a need to develop his tastes much further than that. He lives in Huddersfiled, England with his wife, two children, and a flock of megalomaniac chickens.

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